Loosening the Safety Net as Your Son Grows

Parenting is hard - worry does not go away

As parents, it's natural to want to protect our children from harm and shield them from disappointment. It is also natural to worry. Unfortunately, that worry does not go away as our children get older. Nowadays, parents are inundated with information on what to do and what not to do. Parenting can be confusing and overwhelming - where do you begin and where do you stop? In addition, the world can seem like it is in a constant cycle of noise and chaos, which can further illicit our fears of both being a “good” parent and raising a “good” kid.

In his recent New York Times guest essay titled Surgeon General: Parents Are at Their Wits’ End. We Can Do Better, Vivek H. Murthy, Surgeon General and Vice Admiral of the Public Health Service Commissioned Corps, stated, “a recent study by the American Psychological Association revealed that 48 percent of parents say most days their stress is completely overwhelming, compared with 26 percent of other adults who reported the same. They are navigating traditional hardships of parenting - worrying about money and safety, struggling to get enough sleep - as well as news stressors, including omnipresent screens, a youth mental health crisis, and widespread fear about the future.”     

Yes, we want to protect our children from harm, AND, we also want them to grow up and be independent well adjusted adults. Whether your child is 4 or 18, learning how to face challenges, cope with setbacks, and solve problems is an essential part of growing up. Is there space for both and how do we balance it? How can we raise confident and capable kids while still allowing them the space to lead, take risks, and even experience failure? By slowly and purposefully widening their safety net underneath.

Why loosen the safety net?

When we loosen the safety net for our sons, it helps to build their confidence and self-esteem. When children make their own decisions, they learn to trust their judgment, which fosters confidence. In addition, having more autonomy encourages problem-solving. Facing age-appropriate challenges teaches children how to evaluate options and come up with solutions.  A widening space also develops resilience and responsibility. Failing and learning from mistakes prepares children for life’s inevitable ups and downs. Furthermore, taking the lead on tasks teaches accountability and shows children the results of their choices.

As Jonathan Haidt discusses in The Anxious Generation, too much supervision and not enough risk and play is harmful for all children, and seems to have an even larger impact on boys. Haidt discusses that as boys find “fewer opportunities to exercise agency, develop friendships through risky play, and pursue unsupervised adventure in the increasingly overprotective real world, they found ever increasing opportunities to build agency and friendships in the virtual world”.  

How to loosen the safety net in 5 actionable steps

While there is no one size fits all solution, it has been helpful to us raising our own children to consider the following thoughts:  

1. Provide choices 

From a young age, allow your child to make decisions, even if it’s something small like picking their snack or outfit. Doing this while they are younger is valuable because the child learns and understands natural consequences of choice when the stakes are lower and less impactful. As parents, we understand this may be uncomfortable, but as your child matures into adolescence and adulthood, these small moments will add up and allow your child a sense of agency and autonomy.   

2. Play - have fun!

According to Haidt, access to smart phones, social media, and video games, along with organized travel sports and extracurriculars, have replaced a lot of the time that children need for free play. The research suggests that by giving your son more unsupervised free play and independence that is age-appropriate, you will help nurture his independence and responsibility in a positive way. In fact, Haidt claims that “a free-range childhood is more likely to produce confident competent young adults, with lower levels of anxiety, than is a childhood ruled by safetyism, fear, and constant adult supervision.”

Prioritize and find time for independent or family play beginning when they are little. It is more than okay for your child to feel bored on any given day or lose a game on family board game night. In fact, boredom and losing are essential parts of life rather. You can also organize a neighborhood sports challenge or create and lead a family fun night.  These micro-moments of “play”, including humbly winning and gracefully losing, allow them to authentically learn over time how to manage life’s challenges while also having fun! 

3. Encourage calculated risk-taking

Let your children try new things, even if there’s a chance of failure, while providing guidance and support. This helps with parent anxiety by exposing both you and your child to these situations and can increase trust and confidence each time you do it. Practice giving your child age-appropriate opportunities such as letting them out of your sight without them having a way to reach you, allow him to bike or walk around your neighborhood on his own, have him follow a recipe or meal plan or create an individual or family project–something entirely new from start to finish. In addition, allow your child to experience consequences without rushing in to fix things. Offer guidance when needed, but let your son take the lead. Ask questions, use “I wonder” statements, or  “tell me more about that”... to guide him toward solutions when he encounters difficulties.

4. Model regulation

Share examples of your own challenges and failures and how you managed and learned from them. This helps to normalize the experience for your child. Model when something is hard and you work through it. In addition, be mindful of the behavior you are modeling with your own phone use, and be intentional and thoughtful in the boundaries your family commits to in regards to phone use and social media.

5. Foster accountability and responsibility 

Chores, caregiving, and volunteering allow your child to step outside of his world to offer a glimpse into another’s, which may offer an unexpected lesson in perspective, empathy and gratitude. In addition, these moments strengthen accountability of self and responsibility to care for others outside of self. As your child grows, the lens through which he sees his world and our collective community will widen.

Allowing your son to lead, fail, and take risks is a delicate balance. The goal is to give him enough freedom to learn and grow while providing the support and safety net he needs to thrive. By encouraging independence and resilience, you’re setting him up to become a confident, capable adult who can handle life’s challenges head-on.

The conversation continues on the Boys Education Series podcast! Listen on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.  Subscribe on your favorite streaming platform.