Navigating Life's Big (and Small) Changes

As a school for boys in Junior Kindergarten through 12th grade, teachers and staff at my school witness the many transitions our students undergo during their time here. Some transitions are small, perhaps involving learning a new skill, trying a new extracurricular activity, or making a new friend. Others are much larger, such as a shift away from a long-established friend group, the jump to a new school division with its greater expectations and challenges, or even the transition to adulthood, marked by the college search process, graduation, and leaving home. All of these transitions impact our boys in lasting ways, so being thoughtful about guiding a boy through these moments will help him navigate them effectively.

Transitions in life can often be thought of as something problematic or difficult. After all, the familiar—a long-standing friend group or the seeming ease of managing his studies at his current grade level—is something he already understands and has the tools for managing. Of course, young people often forget what it took to get themselves to where they are today and how many transitions have led to the current moment…in fact, we all do this. While transitions can be challenging, they are a vital part of every boy’s growth. Helping boys approach these moments with positivity is one of the most purposeful ways we can support them.

Younger Boys and Transitions

Learning to manage the transitions of daily life is one of the fundamental developmental tasks for preschool and elementary school boys. Even the smallest transitions can become hard to manage, in part because boys often don’t yet possess the executive functioning skills to manage changes easily, even ones that happen frequently. Parents might notice this as challenging behavior when trying to get out of the door in the morning, reluctance to stop a favorite activity, or bedtime tantrums. This is very typical for younger boys, but repeated struggles with transitions can lead to frustration for boys and the adults in their lives.

How you can help preschool or elementary school boys learn to manage daily transitions:

• Post a schedule for the day. Part of what can make a transition tough to manage for boys at this age is that they don’t know it is coming. Though a transition may occur daily, a young boy’s sense of time is still developing and so it can feel jarring. Teachers often post a schedule for the day on the board, talk through it with the class in the morning, and refer back to it throughout the day. Parents can do something similar—post a schedule at home and have one in the car to review as you head to different parts of your day. A posted schedule also provides a way for parents to acknowledge unplanned changes that arise, helping boys to practice how to manage the unexpected throughout their days.
  
  

• Give a heads-up. As both a parent and a teacher, I have learned that giving young children notice when a transition approaches can help them to start preparing mentally and physically for that transition. Most parents are very familiar with this warning tactic and use it many times a day: "We will be leaving the playground in 10 minutes." What may not be as easy for parents is consistency in the follow-through on the 10-minute warning. If you give your child a timeframe and then don’t follow it, their uncertainty about the reliability of that transition notice or the transition itself actually happening can mean greater confusion and difficulty. Being as consistent as possible with your child will help his ability to transition because he trusts the way you are guiding him through such changes.
  
  

• Help him to be ready for transitions before they happen. Packing backpacks the night before is one simple way to smooth the many transitions that happen in the morning. Laying out clothes the night before is another. Both will lead to less confusion and fewer choices that have to happen in the morning. Even something as big as a transition to a new school can also be managed ahead of time with visits to the school or playground. For little boys, the swirl of “What is happening? Where am I going? What do I need to bring?” can be very overwhelming and can be viewed negatively or result in big emotions. Helping your child make choices about what he should have ready and modeling a positive mindset before the transition itself can help make them more manageable. The key here is to do the set-up work with him, not for him. Posting a picture of what a completely-packed backpack looks like so he can follow it with you or alone, or discussing what fun activities he can try at his new school will help him practice preparing for transitions with your support. As he grows, he’ll have built the skills to do these tasks on his own.

Middle School Boys and Transitions

When a boy reaches middle school, transitions in his life become larger and more impactful than the daily ones he experienced in elementary school. The transition to middle school itself is one that many boys approach with both excitement and trepidation. They look forward to doing things “big kids” do, while also feeling pressure—and sometimes fear—around increased academic expectations, more competitive extracurriculars and sports, and shifting friendships as they encounter a wider range of peers. Students are also often moving to a new school building, which can amplify already big feelings. Add in changes in personal growth and hormones, and it’s clear that middle school brings a layered set of transitions. These feelings aren’t managed in a “one-and-done” way like packing a backpack; instead, they unfold over time. Offering patience, steady support, and reassurance can help your son navigate these transitions at a pace that feels manageable for him.

How you can support middle schoolers as they manage their many transitions: 

• Be available to talk, and know it will be more than one conversation. Your middle schooler may not know to ask, but making sure he knows you are open to talking about what he is experiencing at this age is so important. You can proactively ask “How are you feeling about the start of school?”, “Are you excited about the new soccer team?”, or “I haven’t heard you talk about Jack in a while, do you still talk?” to try to get the ball rolling. Know that he may turn you down if you ask, but don’t let that permanently shut the door. Saying, “I am here if you want to talk about it” can leave an opening for later. If your middle schooler does share his feelings about a transition in his life, acknowledge how he feels and ask if he would like suggestions on how to approach it or ideas he could try. He may welcome your input, or he won't—he may just want to share his thoughts and feelings. As hard as it may be, try to respect what he needs at the moment. It is better to leave the door open than to push your suggestions when he isn’t ready to hear them.
  
  

• Understand and appreciate that your middle schooler is developing his own ideas of who he is through these transitions. Middle school will see your son following new paths in his interests, talents, and how he expresses himself. The third grader who loved to read may be morphing into the seventh grader who has dived into math, coding, or robotics and no longer reads in the same way. Your little lacrosse player may have discovered that running track is a happier place. It can be challenging as an adult to watch your middle schooler move away from something once integral to the person you thought he was and the hopes you may have had for him in those activities. Now is the time to take a deep breath and focus on the wonderful talents and interests that he has now, not what you wish he would have done. Giving him the space to develop his own sense of identity and interests will go a long way toward helping him find the things that he will genuinely enjoy, and that will fuel him in the future.
  
  

• Physical changes, or the lack of them, are a significant part of the middle school years. Reinforce with your son that everyone develops in their own time. It can be shocking to notice the differences in height, physical development, and even the start of facial hair when walking into any middle school. Whether a boy starts growing, goes through puberty, or remains very young-looking in these middle-school years can cause real angst for your son—especially if it doesn’t seem to be happening on the timeline he hoped for. Listening to him if he expresses concerns, or empowering him to talk with his doctor if he is worried, can help him understand that physical transitions happen at many different times and that it is okay to talk about them if he would like.

Transitions in the High School Years

Transitions that begin in middle school often intensify in high school, making these years feel especially dynamic and demanding. Students are adjusting to new environments, new expectations, and new relationships while experiencing rapid personal growth. High school is a steady stream of changes. One of the most consequential for families is a student’s developing independence and ability to navigate change on his own—especially as one of the most important transitions he will experience in his life looms on the horizon: leaving home for college or whatever he plans next.

How to support your son through his high school years, and understanding when to step back:

• High school places students in an entirely new environment, and it’s important to reassure your son that adjusting may take longer than he expects—and that this is completely okay. Students know that high school will likely be very different from their past school environments and can anticipate and prepare for some of the changes, but other transitions will be more challenging. The increased homework expectations, the need to advocate for himself with teachers, and the time commitment required by both athletics and other extracurriculars may seem to compound exponentially. Add in the reality that making friends at a new school does not happen instantly, and freshmen can soon find themselves overwhelmed with maintaining grades, commitments, and friendships.
  
  These are moments to make sure your son knows you are available to talk, checking in to see if he needs a sounding board or concrete ideas for making improvements. Let him know that good grades, significant playing time in sports, leadership roles, and strong friendships are things built over time and will require thoughtful effort. He may not feel settled at a new school for quite a while, and that discomfort is often more about the size of the transition than a sign that “this is the wrong school for me.” Listen to your son if he expresses this kind of concern and, if he is open to it, suggest teachers, advisors, counselors, and peers he can connect with at school to help him navigate this moment in his life.
  
  
  
• Friendships often shift markedly during high school, especially with increased freedom and independence through driving and potential exposure to substance use enters the picture. Help your son stay grounded in his values as he navigates these moments. Driving, in particular, gives high schoolers new autonomy and new opportunities to take risks, which can reveal differences in priorities and comfort levels among friends. I have seen boys who were friends since they were babies distance themselves and transition into other friend groups because their values around the risks that come with managing driving, substance use, and time spent away from parental and school supervision do not align. This can be a very painful transition for one or both sides of the friendship, particularly if there isn’t an immediate shift to another group of friends. If your son shares this kind of experience with you, listen openly and acknowledge the loss, while reassuring him that you support his choice to stay true to his values, even when it is hard.
  
  
  
• Let your son make decisions for himself about his path beyond high school. I worked in college counseling for years and have seen how many boys and their families handle the college process. The most successful of these are when the student is the one leading and making the decisions. While parents certainly can and should weigh in, particularly around costs and comfort with the final choice, this process will be most meaningful and productive if his agency is respected. Your son has to live and experience his college choice or his next chapter, wherever it takes him, so he needs to be the person making the decisions. Remember that your high schooler will be an adult in many aspects once he leaves high school, and learning to make thoughtful decisions—with your guidance and support—is an essential part of that growth. Giving him ownership of this transition helps build confidence, responsibility, and readiness for the life he is about to begin.
  
  

• Many high school seniors will “soil the nest” before they transition and leave you for college or their next step. Don’t take this personally. As the seniors make their way through the second semester, they may act out in ways that can feel surprising and even hurtful to those who know them best. Boys may start rejecting the rules at school or home or make deliberately provocative or rude comments. Parents and teachers may wonder what is going on. The Thrive Counseling website shares: "Soiling the nest” is a term used to describe the way teens stir up conflict at home just before they leave. It’s a way of creating distance that makes the upcoming separation feel easier. Instead of simply enjoying their last year, many teens start criticizing rules, picking fights, rejecting traditions, or pushing back on things they once enjoyed.”
  
  What can you do? First, remember that, though unpleasant, this is normal and it is not personal. It is a proactive defense mechanism used to "manage" the very big and likely daunting transition of leaving home. He probably cannot articulate why it is happening, other than to say that many of the structures he is pushing against won’t exist for him soon…so why should they now? You can absolutely let your son know that he needs to be respectful or that certain actions are dealbreakers if he wants to have his usual privileges, but try to also approach this situation with grace and understanding.

It is a privilege to support boys as they learn to navigate the many transitions of their school years. Though these moments can be challenging for boys and their families, they are also some of the most meaningful opportunities for teaching, growth, and connection that will endure well beyond the moment itself.

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